Trigger Warning: mentions suicide
Several years ago, I lost a former boss, Matthew.* I worked with him for five years. He was an incredible example of who a leader should be. He also helped me become a book editor—a job I had wanted since the eighth grade. We were not close friends, but he did have a significant impact on my life.
I worked with him during some of the most difficult times I have experienced. I called off my wedding and was struggling with depression so severe I couldn’t even comprehend how I was functioning. Throughout it all, work was still a safe place I wanted to be. I felt like part of a team and my opinion and skills were valued. I credit a lot of this to Matthew’s leadership.
Then Matthew completed suicide. He had a wife, two grown kids, grandkids, many close friends and family, and a successful career in which he had just received an incredible promotion. But depression doesn’t discriminate. Someone’s life can seem perfect from the outside and you can still not know what they are going through.
What caught me by surprise was how much Matthew’s death affected me. I hadn’t worked with him in years, and yet we were still connected in a way I hadn’t expected. We both struggled with depression.
I know what it’s like to write a letter to your family to tell them how sorry you are. I know what it’s like to plan your own death and take the first steps. I have never fully attempted suicide, but I do know what it’s like to feel so low you no longer want to live.
Sometimes I feel like I have a good handle on the depression and anxiety I experience, and I haven’t been suicidal for at least six years. However, even a couple weeks ago, the depression hit me out of nowhere. I cried myself to sleep every night and prayed for the pain to stop. Losing Matthew to suicide shook me. We’re both in a club no one wants to be a part of.
However, I know I can’t live my life in fear. All I can do is equip myself with tools to help me through those seasons of depression and trust myself to be able to handle it. I also know that as I continue my journey of self-improvement and self-compassion, I find myself feeling depressed less and less often. It’s progressively gotten better as I’ve been using all the tools I’ve learned.
In fact, that depression that showed up a few weeks ago is no longer here. I was able to walk myself out of that depressive episode through some meditation skills I learned from my coach. It was the first time I had ever been able to do that, and it was incredibly empowering.
We have more control over our lives than we think. And what I do know is the work is worth it.
Take Action: What next step can you take to improve your mental health? Do you need to make an appointment with your therapist? Do you need to get out of your house? Maybe it’s going to the movies or simply sitting outside for five minutes. Think about the next smallest step you can take to care for yourself right now.