My 38th Birthday

I turned 38 years old last year, and I felt compelled to capture some of my thoughts on that day. Just now getting around to publishing it.

As a single person, birthdays can be tricky. We’ve been conditioned to believe that being alone is a bad thing—and so often we feel lonely when we are physically alone. And if you’re single—no matter how much you are celebrated—at the end of the day you often go home alone.

Right now, I’m alone at the end of my birthday. I was celebrated at work, through texts and calls throughout the day, and at dinner with good friends. I got flowers, cake, and my first piñata—which I had to swing at with a baseball bat in front of all my coworkers.

I’ve had many birthdays with much less. All of my people have been out of town. I’ve neglected friendships and lost close relationships. I haven’t thought I was worthy of people taking the time to celebrate me, so I wouldn't ask.

The Difference

I think this birthday is different because of how I showed up for myself this past year. By taking the time to pour into myself, I had much more emotional bandwidth to pour into others. I put myself first. And by doing so, I was able to show up for others in ways I hadn’t been able to before.

I wrote thoughtful words; made calls, plans, and connections; and showed up most days in genuine gratitude assuming the best of those around me. Turns out, how you show up makes all the difference.

I’ve always been a decently kind person in a people-pleasing kind of way. I’m a recovering codependent who used to spend all my energy trying to make other people happy. (Hello to my fellow Enneagram 2s.) Since then, I’ve learned you can’t genuinely love your people if you don’t love yourself.

My 38th year brought a deeper understanding of myself, a deeper appreciation for everything in my life, and deeper relationships than I have ever experienced before.

My life is incredibly full. I’m surrounded by people I love—even if it’s not I’m not in their physical presence all the time. I have fewer friendships, but the ones I do have are incredibly meaningful. I have a job I love with coworkers who are friends. I live close to my family and get to be actively involved in my nieces' and nephew's lives.

The Work

I didn’t make these changes overnight. I’ve had 20-plus years of therapy. I’ve worked through a lot of my trauma with EMDR and somatic techniques. I’ve consumed hundreds of books and podcasts about self-awareness and personal development. I’ve refused to stay in jobs where I dread getting up in the morning. I hired a life coach for six months last year.

I used to think I didn’t have any self-worth. Turns out there was a part of me fighting, even when I couldn’t see it. Urging me to show up for therapy. Knowing when I needed to be on medication. Helping me get out of bed when it was the last thing I wanted to do. And as I let that part of me grow, I began to feel her truth more and more.

I am worthy. Worthy of love, celebration, and piñatas. And so are you.

Take Action: How can you show up for yourself in a small way? Do you need a night at home with a good book? Do you need some time with your favorite person? Is your gut trying to tell you what you need? Whatever you come up with, make it as small as you can. For example, I knew my morning routine was a mess and I hated starting the day behind. I made a promise to myself to stop hitting snooze. That’s all I have to do. Do some days I still just lay in bed? Yes. But I’m awake. And some days I get to do everything I want in the morning. At least I’m setting myself up for some success—whatever that may look like.

The Depression Club

Trigger Warning: mentions suicide

Several years ago, I lost a former boss, Matthew.* I worked with him for five years. He was an incredible example of who a leader should be. He also helped me become a book editor—a job I had wanted since the eighth grade. We were not close friends, but he did have a significant impact on my life.

I worked with him during some of the most difficult times I have experienced. I called off my wedding and was struggling with depression so severe I couldn’t even comprehend how I was functioning. Throughout it all, work was still a safe place I wanted to be. I felt like part of a team and my opinion and skills were valued. I credit a lot of this to Matthew’s leadership.

Then Matthew completed suicide. He had a wife, two grown kids, grandkids, many close friends and family, and a successful career in which he had just received an incredible promotion. But depression doesn’t discriminate. Someone’s life can seem perfect from the outside and you can still not know what they are going through.

What caught me by surprise was how much Matthew’s death affected me. I hadn’t worked with him in years, and yet we were still connected in a way I hadn’t expected. We both struggled with depression.

I know what it’s like to write a letter to your family to tell them how sorry you are. I know what it’s like to plan your own death and take the first steps. I have never fully attempted suicide, but I do know what it’s like to feel so low you no longer want to live.

Sometimes I feel like I have a good handle on the depression and anxiety I experience, and I haven’t been suicidal for at least six years. However, even a couple weeks ago, the depression hit me out of nowhere. I cried myself to sleep every night and prayed for the pain to stop. Losing Matthew to suicide shook me. We’re both in a club no one wants to be a part of.

However, I know I can’t live my life in fear. All I can do is equip myself with tools to help me through those seasons of depression and trust myself to be able to handle it. I also know that as I continue my journey of self-improvement and self-compassion, I find myself feeling depressed less and less often. It’s progressively gotten better as I’ve been using all the tools I’ve learned.

In fact, that depression that showed up a few weeks ago is no longer here. I was able to walk myself out of that depressive episode through some meditation skills I learned from my coach. It was the first time I had ever been able to do that, and it was incredibly empowering.

We have more control over our lives than we think. And what I do know is the work is worth it.

Take Action: What next step can you take to improve your mental health? Do you need to make an appointment with your therapist? Do you need to get out of your house? Maybe it’s going to the movies or simply sitting outside for five minutes. Think about the next smallest step you can take to care for yourself right now.