The Truth About Trauma

Many people think of trauma as what counselors categorize as big-T trauma. Childhood abuse. Witnessing death. A catastrophic accident. Experiencing neglect. Surviving a natural disaster.

There is another kind of trauma referred to as little-T trauma. It’s a lowercase T not because it’s less severe, but because it’s less obviously trauma and is often determined by someone’s own experience of an event, rather than the event itself.

Little-T Trauma

This kind of personal trauma is unique to each person and depends on their own beliefs, perceptions, values, tolerance levels, and so on (psychologytoday.com). That means you are the only person who can determine what has been traumatic for you.

Identifying your traumas doesn’t mean playing the victim. In fact, it’s the opposite. Looking back at your traumatic memories and identifying your triggers is some of the most powerful work you can do to change your life. If you take anything away from this blog, I hope it’s that you have agency over your life—and that includes your mental wellness.

Breakthroughs

Identifying the little-T trauma in my life has led to several breakthroughs on my path to healing and rewiring my mind. I’ll share a few examples of mine in case that might help you notice some of you own.

• Being the last kid to learn to swim – I have a vivid memory of going to a friend’s pool party in kindergarten and being the only child wearing swimmies. (Remember those?) Looking back, I can now identify my reaction as deep shame. I was incredibly embarrassed. A parent was there, but I have no recollection of their support or comfort. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t supported. It could just mean I was experiencing such acute stress that I wasn’t able to recognize anything else. As a five-year-old, this experience deeply affected my sense of self-worth.

• Having a parent who yelled a lot – When I think back on how I felt at home as a kid, I did feel safe and loved. And my parent was not a safe place for my emotions because they didn’t know how to deal with their own. I learned quickly that when I cried, it was easier to act like I was okay or to only shed tears in the privacy of my room. It took me decades before I was able to cry in front of another person. And last year, I learned to identify and feel my emotions for the first time.

• Living in a larger body – I’ve been curvy since puberty and have always weighed more than many of my peers. I was bullied in school. I wasn’t allowed to wear the same clothes as my smaller-bodied sister. My mom was always on a diet (because, hello, it was the ‘90s). I learned pretty quickly how important how much you weighed was to others. When I was able to acknowledge that growing up in a culture that equates being thin with being beautiful and worthy was extremely difficult for me, I was finally able to forgive myself for all the hate I directed inward.

These may seem minor. But when you’re a child learning how to relate to the world, these little-T traumas can have a significant impact on your thought processes and how you see yourself.

The Power of Identification

As I worked to identify and work through each of them with a therapist, I have slowly healed myself. It’s an ongoing process that I will continue to work on.

No matter how minor you think some of your experiences may be, know they matter. And the first step is identifying those traumatic events for yourself. By calling them trauma, you release yourself from blame or shame. None of it is your fault. Your mind and body have been helping you cope the best they can—and you’ve survived all of your worst days.

Take Action: Intentionally think about some moments from your adolescence. Do you have any memories come up that always bring you right back to that moment of shame, embarrassment, or loneliness? Prompt your thinking by closing your eyes and imagining you’re back in a location from your childhood, such as school, home, or a friend’s house. Do any thoughts or memories come to mind? Write them down in your journal or a document on your computer.

My 38th Birthday

I turned 38 years old last year, and I felt compelled to capture some of my thoughts on that day. Just now getting around to publishing it.

As a single person, birthdays can be tricky. We’ve been conditioned to believe that being alone is a bad thing—and so often we feel lonely when we are physically alone. And if you’re single—no matter how much you are celebrated—at the end of the day you often go home alone.

Right now, I’m alone at the end of my birthday. I was celebrated at work, through texts and calls throughout the day, and at dinner with good friends. I got flowers, cake, and my first piñata—which I had to swing at with a baseball bat in front of all my coworkers.

I’ve had many birthdays with much less. All of my people have been out of town. I’ve neglected friendships and lost close relationships. I haven’t thought I was worthy of people taking the time to celebrate me, so I wouldn't ask.

The Difference

I think this birthday is different because of how I showed up for myself this past year. By taking the time to pour into myself, I had much more emotional bandwidth to pour into others. I put myself first. And by doing so, I was able to show up for others in ways I hadn’t been able to before.

I wrote thoughtful words; made calls, plans, and connections; and showed up most days in genuine gratitude assuming the best of those around me. Turns out, how you show up makes all the difference.

I’ve always been a decently kind person in a people-pleasing kind of way. I’m a recovering codependent who used to spend all my energy trying to make other people happy. (Hello to my fellow Enneagram 2s.) Since then, I’ve learned you can’t genuinely love your people if you don’t love yourself.

My 38th year brought a deeper understanding of myself, a deeper appreciation for everything in my life, and deeper relationships than I have ever experienced before.

My life is incredibly full. I’m surrounded by people I love—even if it’s not I’m not in their physical presence all the time. I have fewer friendships, but the ones I do have are incredibly meaningful. I have a job I love with coworkers who are friends. I live close to my family and get to be actively involved in my nieces' and nephew's lives.

The Work

I didn’t make these changes overnight. I’ve had 20-plus years of therapy. I’ve worked through a lot of my trauma with EMDR and somatic techniques. I’ve consumed hundreds of books and podcasts about self-awareness and personal development. I’ve refused to stay in jobs where I dread getting up in the morning. I hired a life coach for six months last year.

I used to think I didn’t have any self-worth. Turns out there was a part of me fighting, even when I couldn’t see it. Urging me to show up for therapy. Knowing when I needed to be on medication. Helping me get out of bed when it was the last thing I wanted to do. And as I let that part of me grow, I began to feel her truth more and more.

I am worthy. Worthy of love, celebration, and piñatas. And so are you.

Take Action: How can you show up for yourself in a small way? Do you need a night at home with a good book? Do you need some time with your favorite person? Is your gut trying to tell you what you need? Whatever you come up with, make it as small as you can. For example, I knew my morning routine was a mess and I hated starting the day behind. I made a promise to myself to stop hitting snooze. That’s all I have to do. Do some days I still just lay in bed? Yes. But I’m awake. And some days I get to do everything I want in the morning. At least I’m setting myself up for some success—whatever that may look like.

Can I Be Happy and Have Anxiety?

The short answer is yes!

Do you ever feel overwhelmed, sad for no reason, or like nothing is going right? Maybe even all of the above? I get it. That used to be my normal. I’m in my mid-thirties and have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life. I also now consider myself a happy person overall—and I know that’s because I work really hard to be happy every day.

Happiness isn’t something that just magically happens, at least from my experience. I’ve been able to create my happy life by working on three things:

• self-awareness

• compassion

• gratitude

You’re Not Alone

Am I happy all the time? Of course not. Anyone who says they are is a big liar. Life is full of ups and downs and unexpected events. For someone who has experienced anxiety and depression for most of my life, some of those unexpected events include crying yourself to sleep for no apparent reason and having no idea why. Or maybe it’s not being able to leave your house even though you have plans. I’m not going to tell you it’s easy to find happiness.

I will tell you it is absolutely possible. Even if you sometimes find yourself sad for no reason. Even if you also experience anxiety and depression on a regular basis. Even if you struggle with social events and making friends. Even if you consistently feel overwhelmed. Even if you’re on medication for your mental health. Even if you feel completely alone.

The truth is, you’re not alone. So many people deal with these challenges as part of their everyday lives. I’ve been there. And I have learned that by focusing on specific skills, your life can be so much better. The good news is all of these things are completely within your control.

It’s not easy, but I can promise you, it’s worth it—you’re worth it. I’m honored to walk with you on your journey.

Take Action: Start small. Think of what you’re grateful for as you fall asleep or brush your teeth. Practice being kind to yourself the next time you hear that inner critic. Think about how your best friend would describe you. If you need some help, ask a friend or family member one thing that they like about you.

How to Become More Self-Aware

The most important tool I’ve developed to improve my mental health is self-awareness. I used to think I was pretty self-aware, that it was something most people naturally are. I now know that to be completely untrue. Self-awareness is a skill you have to actively learn and work to develop—and you’re never done learning.

Self-awareness is being in-tune with your own motivations, emotions, desires, and needs. It’s knowing why you do the things you do. When you’re able to identify what makes you tick, why you feel the way you do, and how to influence that, your life changes in positive ways. It’s no secret that self-awareness is also associated with better success and better self-esteem.

Life moves fast and there are more distractions than ever. It’s so easy to move through it on autopilot. Becoming more self-aware requires you to be able to quiet everything else and truly focus on yourself.

How to Develop Self-Awareness

There are many activities that can help you become more in-tune with yourself. Here are some of the ones I have found most effective.

• Practicing Mindfulness – I won’t tell you to start meditating every day out of the gate, or at all. (A post about that to come.) Mindfulness is a little different. You can practice mindfulness anywhere, at any time—in the shower, driving, in a meeting, hanging out with a friend. Mindfulness is simply being present. Choose to focus on the now. How do you feel? Check in with your body. Truly listen.

• Journaling – Like mindfulness, journaling doesn’t have to be a whole thing. I tend to write about whatever is on my mind. If I’m having trouble, I’ll choose some of my favorite prompts: When do I feel grateful? Sad? Doubtful? Afraid? What am I worried about? When do I feel my best? What do I want? What do I want to let go of? Who did I encounter today and what did I learn? When my wanders, where does it go?

• Walking – My favorite way to get moving is to walk, and physical movement helps our brains process. It’s not complicated—like a more intense workout—so you can focus more on being present. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, choose silence, or listen to some music. If I need to decompress, I choose an audiobook or podcast. The bilateral movement of walking allows your brain to process emotions more easily (https://www.centerforresilienceandchange.com/blog/brain-benefits-of-bilateral-stimulation).

• Drawing – Art might not be for everyone, but there is a powerful connection between what we do with our hands and our minds. Sometimes I just doodle, attempt to sketch how I feel, or just color. Focusing on the page can help you get out of your head.

• Listening – Listening to yourself is extremely important. Listening to what others say can also be a powerful way to become more self-aware. You can be as bold to ask what someone else thinks about you or just work on being more present in conversations. The more you learn about others, the more you can learn about yourself.

Take Small Steps

Be kind to yourself on the journey of self-awareness. Some of the things you discover might be difficult to process or surprising. We’re never actually done learning how to be self-aware. This process is a commitment to lifelong improvement.

By taking small, simple steps, it doesn’t have to be a huge change. Experiment with what feels good to you. You’re completely worth it.

Take Action: Referencing the list above, what it one action you can take to help further develop your self-awareness? If you want to walk, start with five minutes. If you want to practice mindfulness, start with while you brush your teeth. If you want to journal, begin with just writing one or two things you’re grateful for. The smaller that first action, the more likely you are to develop the habit, which is what brings continuous insights and overall better mental wellness.

The Depression Club

Trigger Warning: mentions suicide

Several years ago, I lost a former boss, Matthew.* I worked with him for five years. He was an incredible example of who a leader should be. He also helped me become a book editor—a job I had wanted since the eighth grade. We were not close friends, but he did have a significant impact on my life.

I worked with him during some of the most difficult times I have experienced. I called off my wedding and was struggling with depression so severe I couldn’t even comprehend how I was functioning. Throughout it all, work was still a safe place I wanted to be. I felt like part of a team and my opinion and skills were valued. I credit a lot of this to Matthew’s leadership.

Then Matthew completed suicide. He had a wife, two grown kids, grandkids, many close friends and family, and a successful career in which he had just received an incredible promotion. But depression doesn’t discriminate. Someone’s life can seem perfect from the outside and you can still not know what they are going through.

What caught me by surprise was how much Matthew’s death affected me. I hadn’t worked with him in years, and yet we were still connected in a way I hadn’t expected. We both struggled with depression.

I know what it’s like to write a letter to your family to tell them how sorry you are. I know what it’s like to plan your own death and take the first steps. I have never fully attempted suicide, but I do know what it’s like to feel so low you no longer want to live.

Sometimes I feel like I have a good handle on the depression and anxiety I experience, and I haven’t been suicidal for at least six years. However, even a couple weeks ago, the depression hit me out of nowhere. I cried myself to sleep every night and prayed for the pain to stop. Losing Matthew to suicide shook me. We’re both in a club no one wants to be a part of.

However, I know I can’t live my life in fear. All I can do is equip myself with tools to help me through those seasons of depression and trust myself to be able to handle it. I also know that as I continue my journey of self-improvement and self-compassion, I find myself feeling depressed less and less often. It’s progressively gotten better as I’ve been using all the tools I’ve learned.

In fact, that depression that showed up a few weeks ago is no longer here. I was able to walk myself out of that depressive episode through some meditation skills I learned from my coach. It was the first time I had ever been able to do that, and it was incredibly empowering.

We have more control over our lives than we think. And what I do know is the work is worth it.

Take Action: What next step can you take to improve your mental health? Do you need to make an appointment with your therapist? Do you need to get out of your house? Maybe it’s going to the movies or simply sitting outside for five minutes. Think about the next smallest step you can take to care for yourself right now.